When a relationship ends, usually – not always – one person breaks things off. Even if they both saw it coming, one person must be the baddie and one person must be the heartbroken victim.
Well, let me tell you about my experience with both being the baddie and being the broken hearted victim.
Firstly, I must point out that just because they are they baddie – doesn’t mean they’re bad. No. In fact in some circumstances the baddie is actually the goodie. They see a broken relationship and they are the ones with the courage to step up – take the blow (and sometimes the blame) – and be the ‘baddie’.
The baddie has to make the hard decision, because if not, the two of you would end up stuck in this everlasting horrible relationship. Being the baddie isn’t fun. You have to carry around the guilt of hurting someone. And if you’re really ‘lucky’ – you get the late night drunken phone calls from the brokenhearted victim begging you for another chance.
So you’d think well… pfft… being the brokenhearted victim must be the way to go – just live in denial until your partner gives in and assumes the baddie position.
Being the brokenhearted victim (BHV) sucks major balls… No matter how damaged the relationship was and how much you ‘saw it coming’. It is always a shock to the system. You’ve been abandoned – and naturally – we don’t take well to being abandoned. You’ve become used to this person – they took up a giant chunk of your life and now, BAM, they’re gone. Of course you’re going to act like a toddler who lost their dummy or their favourite blankie – you can’t help it.
So whether you sign up for Option Baddie or Option BHV – it’s going to be far from a walk in the park… But when looking at a break up from both points of view I can understand the hardships that both people must take on. Here’s some advice for being the baddie and being the BHV.
Being the Baddie:
– Don’t drag it out. If you’ve decided you’re going to break it off, don’t sit around waiting for the ‘right time’. There is no right time. So do it before you change your own mind. If you’ve come to the point where you’re re-considering the relationship then there are obvious problems that you feel can’t be dealt with.
– Be blunt. When you go to break it off, you may feel the need to sugar coat things. Don’t. There is no ‘nice’ way of breaking up with someone. There are only ‘asshole’ ways of breaking up with someone. When the time comes – make sure you’re both alone together because it might get messy. Don’t tell them how amazing they are or how they’re going to find someone who deserves them and makes them happy. Although it is nice to know that, they will cling onto it. In their mind they will be thinking ‘WELL THEY THINK I’M AMAZING SO THEY’RE JUST MAKING A MISTAKE.’ Don’t give them reason to doubt reality. It will hurt them more. Just lay it down straight – without offending them.
– Don’t ever EVER break up via some type of technological device! Seriously? Grow a pair.
– Do not encourage backsliding. What is backsliding you may ask? Well it’s when the BHV consistently comes back either to grovel or to ‘just be friends’ or in worst case scenario… break up sex. I don’t care how lonely you’ve been or how horny you are! Do not encourage this – you might be over it, but they aren’t.
– Be kind to yourself. You’ve had to do the hard thing here and just because you are the one who broke things off doesn’t mean that you’re a horrible person. You knew things weren’t working out right and you took the healthy step. As much as the BHV may want you ‘rot in hell’, you deserve to be happy too. So don’t hate yourself.
Being the Brokenhearted Victim:
– Let yourself be upset for a while. This is essential. I don’t care how tough you are or how quickly you think you can re-bound. If you loved them enough – you’re going to feel upset and that’s perfectly fine. Give yourself time to feel the hurt – but don’t mope around in it forever. So go on. Ice-cream and tears galore. Helps more than you think.
– Get space. This is also very essential. Don’t go looking for them, don’t be that weirdo who stalks their profile just to get a glimpse of their life. Do what you have to do to get space. Delete their number, delete them from your social media accounts, throw the stuff out that reminds you of them (it’s just stuff), go on a vacation if you have to! Just get space. I know what you’re thinking. Maybe it’s just a big mistake? Maybe they were just confused. No. They aren’t. Even if they are, there is no use spending hours calling them and messaging them to see if thats the case – because you’re more likely going to freak them out rather then draw them back in. Two months. Thats my recommendation. Just give yourself two months completely away from them and then you can go back and reassess the situation.
– Don’t grovel. People… why do you feel that if you beg at their feet somehow this would be appealing in any way whatsoever??? Do you know what it make them – and also me – feel? Sick. They’ve broken up with you!!!! And now you’re just being annoying. Don’t lower yourself like that! If they want you back enough they will get off their ass and tell you, I promise. But they aren’t, so guess what? Pack up that pity party and start the hike towards recovery. Don’t let yourself be the kind of person people feel sorry for. Show everyone that you’re stronger than this!
– Reach out. You are not alone. No matter how much you think you are. No matter how shattered your heart feels. Someone somewhere (urhm me) has been where you are! You know those people? I think they’re called uhh, friends and family?? FIND THEM! Don’t feel pathetic. Tell them whats going on and ask for help. You’d be surprised how much the extra support helps. If you don’t feel as though you can reach out to your friends or family, find another support group. Go to a church, join a club, see a shrink, or even just contact me – because I’m awesome.
– Be kind to yourself. Listen up. You’ve gone through some tough stuff and the only thing going through your mind is all the ‘good times’ you’ve lost and how much your heart feels like it’s dying from the inside. But it’s not. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t sit around wondering what you did wrong. Because you haven’t done anything other than be the person you are. And sometimes – the person you are conflicts with the person they are. Look after yourself. You know what’s right and wrong. As much as you might not want to hear it, you will come out stronger at the end. For a while, just give yourself the love that you once gave them.