Ask yourself – What do You want?

In the past month or so I’ve successfully managed to disappear from many things in my life. When you’re life does that frustraiting thing where it begins to spiral downwards all you want to do is disappear.

I needed time to myself, to be with myself and actually listen to what I want. Sometimes people can become so consumed by everything around them. According to most religious standards were meant to be kind, caring, and compassionate people. According to social standards, as a female, I should be either starting a happy family or studying hard for my career. According to family and friends I should be happy and enjoying my youth.

But what if, right now, I’m not really any of them? Sure I care and I feel compassion, but not for myself. I’m studying in university in a degree that I can hardly cope with, but not for myself. When I leave my house everyday I slap on a happy face, but not for myself.

Who would be comfortable with the idea that right now, I actually don’t have the energy to care? That I lack the passion to study and the idea of continuing is enough to make me sick? Or that when I leave the house with that well practised smile, it’s only so everyone else doesn’t see the misery that underlies it, so they don’t feel uncomfortable.

So I’ve decided to stop listening to what everyone else would like or what others prefer and take a little time out to ask myself, hey what do you want? What I’ve learnt is that if you drown out your wants and desires simply because they conflict with those of the world – then how are you ever meant to find energy, passion, and above all, happiness? Take the time out to ask yourself. What do YOU want?

vbloggie

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The Allure of the Unattainable

Some of us are cursed with this ugly trait… When no matter what you have in front of you – you still want more.

You want that thing you don’t have – that thing you can’t have – that thing you shouldn’t have.

Sometimes just the fact that you can’t have something can drive you into a mentally unstable fiasco. It has been clearly demonstrated throughout history and literature. King David. Bonnie and Clyde. Adolf Hitler. Pol Pot. To name a few.

There are other examples –  not just in the case of power or money – but in love. I have seen it happen too many times. Someone falls for the ‘impossible’ one and it can become an unhealthy obsession to obtain their love.

What is it that drives this strange need to have what we don’t have? What is it about us humans that leaves us constantly unsatisfied? Is it a by-product of evolution? Or just an ever increasing presence of greed in our society?

I hope to suppress this urge. It is not helpful and it will drive you mad. I want to be able to look at what I’ve got, be appreciative of it, and understand that I really don’t need much to live.

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Grass Is Always Greener Mentality

You know the old saying, ‘The grass is always greener on the other side.’

Yeah, I’m going to call that one. From my experience – the grass may be a different texture, less prominent or totally non-existant – but not necesarily greener.

I’ve spent years with this mentality. Thinking that being somewhere else or doing something else would be so much better than what I’m doing right here right now.

I’ve always been the one to want to grow up before my time. But what I have quickly come to learn is that the moment you are ‘somewhere else doing something else’ you then automatically want to be another ‘somewhere else doing something else’. It’s a never ending unfortunate cycle that usually ends in disappointment.

So I would recommend dropping the ‘grass is always greener on the other side’ mentality and maybe acquiring the new and improved ‘grass may not be greener but it’ll be different and you’ll get there when you need to get there’ mentality… Sure the phrase isn’t as catchy or concise but I believe it more accurately represents life.

Another point to make is that just because it may be greener doesn’t mean you don’t have to maintain and mow the grass either. Around every corner and through every new experience there is always going to have to be hard work on your behalf in order to keep the grass looking greener on your side.

Be grateful for what you have here and now. Remember that you are exactly where you need to be doing exactly what you need to be doing.

vbloggie

Baddie vs. Victim?

When a relationship ends, usually – not always – one person breaks things off. Even if they both saw it coming, one person must be the baddie and one person must be the heartbroken victim.

Well, let me tell you about my experience with both being the baddie and being the broken hearted victim.

Firstly, I must point out that just because they are they baddie – doesn’t mean they’re bad. No. In fact in some circumstances the baddie is actually the goodie. They see a broken relationship and they are the ones with the courage to step up – take the blow (and sometimes the blame) – and be the ‘baddie’.

The baddie has to make the hard decision, because if not, the two of you would end up stuck in this everlasting horrible relationship. Being the baddie isn’t fun. You have to carry around the guilt of hurting someone. And if you’re really ‘lucky’ – you get the late night drunken phone calls from the brokenhearted victim begging you for another chance.

So you’d think well… pfft… being the brokenhearted victim must be the way to go – just live in denial until your partner gives in and assumes the baddie position.

Not exactly.

Being the brokenhearted victim (BHV) sucks major balls… No matter how damaged the relationship was and how much you ‘saw it coming’. It is always a shock to the system. You’ve been abandoned – and naturally – we don’t take well to being abandoned. You’ve become used to this person – they took up a giant chunk of your life and now, BAM, they’re gone. Of course you’re going to act like a toddler who lost their dummy or their favourite blankie – you can’t help it.

So whether you sign up for Option Baddie or Option BHV – it’s going to be far from a walk in the park… But when looking at a break up from both points of view I can understand the hardships that both people must take on. Here’s some advice for being the baddie and being the BHV.

Being the Baddie:

Don’t drag it out. If you’ve decided you’re going to break it off, don’t sit around waiting for the ‘right time’. There is no right time. So do it before you change your own mind. If you’ve come to the point where you’re re-considering the relationship then there are obvious problems that you feel can’t be dealt with.

Be blunt. When you go to break it off, you may feel the need to sugar coat things. Don’t. There is no ‘nice’ way of breaking up with someone. There are only ‘asshole’ ways of breaking up with someone. When the time comes – make sure you’re both alone together because it might get messy. Don’t tell them how amazing they are or how they’re going to find someone who deserves them and makes them happy. Although it is nice to know that, they will cling onto it. In their mind they will be thinking ‘WELL THEY THINK I’M AMAZING SO THEY’RE JUST MAKING A MISTAKE.’ Don’t give them reason to doubt reality. It will hurt them more. Just lay it down straight – without offending them.

Don’t ever EVER break up via some type of technological device! Seriously? Grow a pair.

Do not encourage backsliding. What is backsliding you may ask? Well it’s when the BHV consistently comes back either to grovel or to ‘just be friends’ or in worst case scenario… break up sex. I don’t care how lonely you’ve been or how horny you are! Do not encourage this – you might be over it, but they aren’t.

Be kind to yourself. You’ve had to do the hard thing here and just because you are the one who broke things off doesn’t mean that you’re a horrible person. You knew things weren’t working out right and you took the healthy step. As much as the BHV may want you ‘rot in hell’, you deserve to be happy too. So don’t hate yourself.

Being the Brokenhearted Victim:

Let yourself be upset for a while. This is essential. I don’t care how tough you are or how quickly you think you can re-bound. If you loved them enough – you’re going to feel upset and that’s perfectly fine. Give yourself time to feel the hurt – but don’t mope around in it forever. So go on. Ice-cream and tears galore. Helps more than you think.

Get space. This is also very essential. Don’t go looking for them, don’t be that weirdo who stalks their profile just to get a glimpse of their life. Do what you have to do to get space. Delete their number, delete them from your social media accounts, throw the stuff out that reminds you of them (it’s just stuff), go on a vacation if you have to! Just get space. I know what you’re thinking. Maybe it’s just a big mistake? Maybe they were just confused. No. They aren’t. Even if they are, there is no use spending hours calling them and messaging them to see if thats the case – because you’re more likely going to freak them out rather then draw them back in. Two months. Thats my recommendation. Just give yourself two months completely away from them and then you can go back and reassess the situation.

Don’t grovel. People… why do you feel that if you beg at their feet somehow this would be appealing in any way whatsoever??? Do you know what it make them – and also me – feel? Sick. They’ve broken up with you!!!! And now you’re just being annoying. Don’t lower yourself like that! If they want you back enough they will get off their ass and tell you, I promise. But they aren’t, so guess what? Pack up that pity party and start the hike towards recovery. Don’t let yourself be the kind of person people feel sorry for. Show everyone that you’re stronger than this!

Reach out. You are not alone. No matter how much you think you are. No matter how shattered your heart feels. Someone somewhere (urhm me) has been where you are! You know those people? I think they’re called uhh, friends and family?? FIND THEM! Don’t feel pathetic. Tell them whats going on and ask for help. You’d be surprised how much the extra support helps. If you don’t feel as though you can reach out to your friends or family, find another support group. Go to a church, join a club, see a shrink, or even just contact me – because I’m awesome.

Be kind to yourself. Listen up. You’ve gone through some tough stuff and the only thing going through your mind is all the ‘good times’ you’ve lost and how much your heart feels like it’s dying from the inside. But it’s not. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t sit around wondering what you did wrong. Because you haven’t done anything other than be the person you are. And sometimes – the person you are conflicts with the person they are. Look after yourself. You know what’s right and wrong. As much as you might not want to hear it, you will come out stronger at the end. For a while, just give yourself the love that you once gave them.

vbloggie

One in a Million… Or maybe not

  “I’m not sure,” My friend frowned as she looked down at her coffee – mixing in her second sugar.
  “Not sure about what? You just said that he makes you happy,” I replied.
  “Yeah but I’m not sure if he’s ‘the one’,” She looked up at me with genuine concern.

Something about this conversation didn’t sit right with me. I didn’t know exactly what bothered me about it, but something got my mind reeling.

‘The One’ I thought… Well this is all a bit pretentious.

But it was a genuine concern for my friend. She wasn’t even sure about dating this guy because she was worried that he might not be ‘The One’.

“I don’t want to waste my time or his,” She explained, “There’s no point in dating if he isn’t ‘The One’.”

I began to think. What load of bullshit had she been listening to?

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in finding love. I do believe that love is this beautifully catastrophic event reserved for two people whose chemistry erupts… They either come out on top as survivors or crumble in its chemical reaction. But is there really ‘The One’ for everyone?

When I was 12 I thought my first crush was ‘The One’. Everything inside me told me so. I was so sure that there wasn’t another thing in life I was more sure about… The (sometimes obsessive) love was real to me. At the time I was sure I was in love and he was the only one in the entire universe I could ever love.

But he didn’t love me. In fact, he was probably scared of me. But the fact was that I was so adamant that he would be ‘The One’ and we would spend our lives together.

As you might have guessed – that was not how it worked out. He ended up politely asking me to never talk to him again and to stay away from his house… But I did not give up. Because then, two years later, I thought I had hit pot luck and found ‘The One’ again. This time this guy actually did like me. But as time passed, we crumbled.

Even Romeo thought he was in love with Rosaline before he met Juliette. He was adamant that Rosaline was ‘The One’ for him… so I guess even Romeo got it wrong at first.

If you’re willing – share your experiences with finding ‘The One’.

vbloggie

That’s it! – I’m going to live in the Jungle!

Are we born with it? If we are, then how do we lose it?
If we aren’t – then how do we find it?

The search for happiness seems to be an increasingly reoccuring phenomenon of the modern era. We’ve progressed so much as a species and developed so many new ways of finding and accomplishing our goals. And yet, most of us still cannot find happiness.

Sure we might find fragments of happiness. Happiness of being around friends, happiness of a relationship, happiness of birth… But overall happiness? The type of lasting happiness when you can say, yes I am generally happy? That seems to be reserved for a special few.

I’m sure the pursuit of happiness isn’t purely a modern desire. But in a society lacking major warfare and poverty – ‘survival’ is handed to us on a silver platter and we are left to seek something more. We want to feel blissful and at peace. But the idea of happiness does not seem to coincide with modern day issues such as money, exploitation of others for ones own interest, and relationship stresses (family, friends, or partners).

Is pure happiness and deep satisfaction with ones life simply an unrealistic fantasy we chase after? Are we just looking for Utopia? As some may say, ‘we cannot know what happiness feels like if we don’t know what misery feels like.’… Thanks – this gives me so much confidence in life.

I am not saying my life is miserable. I am so lucky to be living the life I am living. But there is a deep dissatisfaction I feel. Yes, I am not poor. Yes, I do not need to worry about my safety every second of the day. Yes, I have a safe place to live. Yes, I have the opportunities.

But many people sit in the same boat as I do… When there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with your life, but you’re still unhappy. It’s debilitating!

Although I don’t want to live in some weird state of euphoria 24/7, I would love to wake up every morning with a sense of purpose and a sense of satisfaction in my life.

I have come to understand that sometimes, we don’t even know what happiness is. We’re so misled over what is ‘happy’ and what is ‘unhappy’. How can we find happiness if we couldn’t pick it out if it were right in front of us?

Happiness, to me, is not laughing all the time, smiling all the time, or being in a constant state of ecstatic bliss… No.
Happiness is the feeling of deep content. Waking up in the morning and the first thing that comes to my mind is not a job, not a worry, or wondering why you even woke up – but simply waking up and wanting to get up because the day has so much to offer. Happiness is finding your purpose and feeling as though your existence is not merely coincidental or insignificant.

Modern day pressures make my version of happiness seem impossible… It honestly makes me want to find some forrest and live out my life in the wilderness where the only thing I have to stress about is whether I’ll survive another day. Maybe we’ve become too efficient and too safe. Nothing distracts us from our own misery – and nothing reminds us that our mere existence is a blessing.

vbloggie

I’ve got problems – no need to be embarrassed by it

I have this incredible talent that has managed to stick with me since early childhood. This never failing ability to embarrass myself.

Or maybe it’s not that I embarrass myself so easily – rather it’s that I feel embarrassed so easily. Which in my mind is a problem.

I just seem to get myself into situations where I don’t think things through. Either due to ignorance or plain stupidity. But either way, my ability to embarrass myself is flawless.

It always happens the same.  I become irrational and ignore the giant red flags in front of me. I take a risk. I get caught out. Then bada-bing-bada-boom, Embarrassment City.

They say embarrassment is necessary to be a ‘humble’ person. But I disagree. Completely. I believe you can be humble and not need to feel embarrassed over every slight mistake you make. There’s a difference between feeling embarrassed and identifying when you’ve made a mistake. Feeling embarrassed leads to self hate and isolation. Identifying when you’ve made a mistake is when you can look at something you’ve done, say ‘okay that wasn’t the best decision, but I’m only human’ and move forward.

The fear of embarrassment has always held me back. If I get into a situation where I feel I have embarrassed myself – I will avoid that situation for the rest of my life.

I can’t go around avoiding every single thing that has ever made me feel embarrassed. If that were the case, I’d have to some how derive a method of leaving my own body. It’s not sustainable and it’s not healthy. Embarrassment plays no part in a healthy life.

So next time you might feel embarrassed over something – stop. Don’t feel embarrassed. You are exactly who you are meant to be doing exactly what you are meant to be doing. Embarrassment is for losers.

Be humble, but don’t be shameful.

vbloggie