To My Ignorant and Stubborn Heart

Why oh why do you have to be such a pain in the ass? Why do you refuse to let go of something that is completely hopeless?

My mind and my heart conflict – a lot. And I’ve always been the type to let my heart win in matters of love, friendship, and family… And maybe I’ve been letting my heart win too many times now. Maybe it’s become ignorant and stubborn – thinking if it just whines and complains enough the mind will just give up.

I’ve been trying move on from someone for a while now. And I wish I could say I’ve been making progress. But every time, like clockwork, every time my mind tries to rationalise and take a productive step forward – my stubborn heart yanks me right back.

I’ve tried all the believed cures and temporary fixes of heartbreak. In the irrational early stages I tried drinking, sleeping, going out and pretending like my life was full of peaches and strawberries. Then I began to get serious about it because none of these solutions were maintainable or realistic. They were solutions that my heart gave me, all of them numbing my mind. Drinking was doing damage, not only to me, but to my credit card. Sleeping stopped me from thinking but there is only so much sleep one person can have. And going out forcing my mind to pretend I was happy became increasingly exhausting.

I’ve given my heart a chance here. I distinctly remember the point where I decided to give my heart control over my mind. It was a wondrous feeling I must admit – to just let go and love without fear. But you take a risk when letting your heart win. Because you’re heart is like a child – full of energy, constantly reaching for something new and shiny, eager to love, eager to please, and inconsiderate of the consequences. Letting your heart take control is like putting an aircraft in the hands of a 7-year-old. Then once the plane crashes and burns, your heart – just like a child – will lie, crack tantrums, and point the finger at everyone else before they blame themselves.

This is when your mind is forced to step in… It’s been sitting on the sidelines with a horrified look on its face since the moment you gave your heart control. Yes the mind is boring – and yes the mind isn’t really much fun. But the mind is wise.  It knows how to fix things and it knows that the road to success is a long one, with many twists, turns, and bumps along the way.

So recently I have decided to give total control back to my mind… Only for the time being. I’ve put my heart in the ‘naughty corner’ and slowly slowly, as my mind begins to put all the broken pieces back together I will re-introduce my heart back into my world. But I will never make the mistake of giving my heart total control again.

My mind says ‘love yourself more!‘ when my heart says ‘love them more!’. My mind says, ‘contacting him will only make things worse – have more self respect, he ended it,’ when my heart says ‘it can’t get worse than this! Maybe he changed his mind! Call him!’. My mind says ‘at least for now – you must let him go,’ when my heart says ‘You should never give up!’. And most importantly, my mind says ‘move forward – you can and will love again,’ when my heart says, ‘go back – he is the only one for you,’.

So… My ignorant and stubborn heart. I say farewell for now. It was nice loving with you while it lasted. I do not regret loving. But there comes a time when the balance must be restored and the damage must be fixed. Therefore I call upon my boring, rational, and wise mind to help me restore my ignorant, stubborn – and now – broken heart.

vbloggie 

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