Help Me – Here and Now

Separations and break ups are never easy… That’s what everyone says. They also say, ‘don’t worry, you’ll be over it in time.’

Well that’s great. But the pain I’m feeling, the deep unshakeable feeling of loss, is happening right now. It’s all good and well that ‘in time’ I’ll be okay, but what about the here and now. What about the heartbreak I’m feeling right now?

We seem to avoid talking about the actual heartbreak part and focus on the ‘you’ll get better’ part. Maybe it’s a way of helping the sufferer see things in a more positive view. But from my experience, when I’m going through heartbreak, I don’t want to know about a time when I forget them. I’m not interested in losing them and moving on. I just want them. I’m focussing on this horrible ache that burns in my chest every time their face appears in my mind. So I don’t know about you but hearing that ‘it’ll get easier with time’ isn’t exactly comforting… In fact, it’s annoying. Time is the only remedy to heartbreak, and unfortunately it’s the remedy that takes the longest to work.

So do we need to hear that things will get better? Does being presented with this ‘fact’ help us at all when dealing with our heartbreak? Well, as I said maybe its got to do with a thinking positive thing. Or maybe, people know exactly how hard it is to go through heartbreak and they simply have nothing else to offer other than ‘it’ll get better’. If I was asked right now to consul someone suffering heartbreak what would I tell them?…

I would look them in the eye, and embrace them in a deep hug. I think during heartbreak the one thing you seek is comfort. You don’t want advice, you don’t want positive words, you just want to feel like you’re not alone. Then once they’re all hugged out I would tell them that it’s normal. Everything your thinking and everything your feeling is the natural way your body and mind is going to react to a separation. When heartbroken you begin to isolate your experience, and believe that no one understands what you’re going through but you. And yes, everyone experiences things differently, but if it wasn’t mostly similar from person to person we wouldn’t be able to distinguish a world-wide concept that is ‘heartbreak/ache’ or ‘loss’. Then I would explain that it’s okay to miss them and it’s okay to be upset. In fact it is imperil that you let yourself be upset for a while. Once you’ve gone through all the raw, uncensored, and unattractive crying and emotional rollercoasters and you go into the ‘hurt-but-numb’ stage, you have to find an outlet for those emotions. You need to let go of them through something. For me, this has been writing about my experience. It gets my emotions and thoughts out of my head and onto paper where I can leave them. For you it might be running (I wish my emotional outlet was running – but exercise just makes me more emotional), or painting, or cooking, or drawing, or talking to inanimate objects (this option may not be preferable). What ever it is, you need to channel your emotional energy through something where you can release it and let go.

The last thing I’d tell them is that it’s not easy and you know it. You can tell that this is something that has shaken you to the core. I know it’s not exactly comforting, but when I was going through heartbreak I didn’t want someone telling me, ‘pfft, don’t worry it’s so easy – you’ll be over it in no time.’

Because if they did I would have probably punched them in the face. I want to know the truth. This, heartbreak, is hard and no one likes to go through it. But it’s the risk you take to fall in love. It’s as simple as that. You want to be in love? You want companionship, affection, passion, and heart throbbing excitement? Heartbreak is the risk you take. But trust me, the only thing worse than heartbreak, is never falling in love.

I wouldn’t tell them that ‘it’ll get better in time,’ only because I know that I wasn’t listening to that when I was heartbroken. Instead I would tell them that, ‘you’ll let it go when you’re ready – and only when you are ready.’

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