Rationalising the Heartbreak

So when you go through heartbreak, and you’re past the shockingness of it all, you begin to ask yourself ‘when am I going to get over this?’ Well my friends, I hate to inform you, it’s not as simple as ‘getting over this’. If you’ve loved this person enough to be heartbroken, it’s going to hurt, and its probably going to hurt for a while. You’re not going to be as raw as you are in the first stages, it will gradually numb itself down with time. But the scar will always be there. There will not be a time that you don’t reflect on that relationship and feel a slight sting of disappointment or sadness. Although you do gain, over time, a rational perspective of your experience. This does not take the heartbreak away – but it does take away the feeling of hopelessness.

Here’s how I rationalised my heartbreak.

I was seeing – seeing not dating – this man… this much older man. Okay he wasn’t over the hill or anything but there was a significant age gap. So I think I can say for the gap – he was an older man. Everything happened very quickly, and yet it seems nothing really happened at all. I fell – he didn’t. Or at least I fell a lot harder than he did. He had an avalanche of emotional baggage that held him back, and I was a free soul with not so much as a smudge on my emotional record. He was at a point in his life where his goal was to get married and settle down. He’d lived his life for himself and it was time for him to live his life for someone else – for his children. I was 19, fresh out of high school and just started university. I had my life in front of me, but despite that I wanted to give it all to him. I was set up for heartbreak from the beginning.

Falling for him was like falling into a mysterious rabbit hole. Kind of like Alice in Wonderland. It was so exciting and so thrilling, something I’d never experienced before and I didn’t want it to stop. I quickly became addicted to the fall. But it wasn’t long before the signs began to appear. The signs that I was falling alone, and all of a sudden I found myself in a dark, cold hole. There were so many stop signs in the ‘thing’ we had going on. I didn’t see it at first but our relationship could not continue – it was an impossible endeavour. It was devastating to learn that someone I had become so fond of and so excited for was disappearing as quickly as they came. And after a couple months of the raw – hate yourself, hate them, and hate everything period – I decided it was time to get real. Yes – everything still hurts, but no – I wasn’t prepared to waste more time grieving over it. There comes a point people, when you’re wallowing in your own misery for the sake of it. That’s when it’s unhealthy and that’s when you have to force yourself to change. This is when I presented myself with two situations.

Situation 1:

Let’s say things had worked out with you and the older guy. Yes you fall in love and yes he supports you and you support him. Lets ignore the fact that your income is below the tax bracket and that you could not support a family – we will ignore that and just pretend like somehow that’s not an issue. You end up with this man, in a couple years you get married and a couple years after that you have kids. You will probably complete your bachelor of psychological science but you probably won’t take it further than there because you have to start looking for a moderately well paying job in order to support the family that you’re planning together. And sure, lets say between now and kids you travel a little bit and maybe experience a little bit of the outside world. Four years from now you’re married, probably pregnant and although yes you love him and things might not be horrible – you’ve still lost those young years of your life. Not that you’ll regret it because you won’t. But you’ll end up exactly like your mother – wishing she hadn’t gotten married so young and lived her own life before settling down and having kids. You won’t be unhappy because you wont even really know what you’ve lost – but you have no idea what you could have gained if you had just waited. You’ve lost contact with your friends because you have bigger priorities and you’re bound to this man for the rest of your life. Even once your children have grown and left you will still be with this man and you will not have had the chance to be free and live your life for you.


Situation 2:

You’re heartbroken. Yes it sucks. It’s going to cane like a mother fucker for the next month or two. But it will get better, I promise you it will. You will still sigh inside when you think of him and a small part of you will wish you could go back every now and then – but the hurt will lessen. You will go through your early-mid twenties experiencing everything life has to offer. You will study hard, work hard, love hard, and play hard. You will travel to all sorts of places and see all sorts of things you didn’t even think were possible. You will encounter more people who inspire you and shape the person you’re meant to be. You will meet men who will knock you breathless and show you exactly what you want and what you don’t want in a relationship. This ‘older guy’ will just be another chapter – not a continuing theme. Because you are getting yourself ready – preparing yourself for that one person. While you’re living your life and experiencing all these things, that man will come along. And he will come along at the exact right time. Not too early and not too late. He will motivate you, he will encourage you, and he will push you to your limits. Before you know it, you’ll realise who they are and that you’re meant to be with them. You’ll get married – later down the track – when you’re ready and you’ve done all the things you’ve wanted to do. You will surrender everything to him and he to you and you will not doubt his love or his intentions. You will feel that crazy attraction as you did with the ‘older guy’ – and you’ll feel stupid for ever thinking you couldn’t feel it again. In fact, what you feel for this man is so much more intense than anything you’ve ever felt before. He will give you everything you want and support you through everything you do. He will be 100 per cent dedicated to the relationship. He’ll be in it for you, and not merely to be married or to have children. You will have lived your life and experienced all the things to let you grow as a person. And you will be able to be the best wife and the best mother. You will not look back on your life feeling unsatisfied or as if you drew the short straw. And this all happens because you went through those few months of heartbreak.

Now, when looking at these two situations I can happily say that I would take the couple months of heartbreak for a fulfilling life any day. This made me realise that it would never have worked out well for me. If everything went to plan as in Situation 1 I would have never had the chance to experience life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I wouldn’t even know exactly what I missed out on. Obviously there would have been good times in the first situation – it wouldn’t have been hell. But when looking at two different versions of myself in these situations – I want to be the woman in the second scenario.

So if you’re going through heartbreak or rejection – after a couple months when your able to think rationally – give yourself two situations. One situation with them and one situation without them. This will help you look at your heartbreak rationally and decide whether they are really the person for you or if you just made the easy mistake of falling for the wrong person.



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