Change of Scenery

I am in need.
Of what you may ask?
A change of scenery.

These walls whisper memories to me. Good and bad. Holding me in a constant loop that I can’t seem to get out of. With everything in it’s place, my house is like a movie set, ready to re-act the action that happened in it not so long ago. When I walk through my front door my soul shrieks as I look upon my furniture and belongings that I once loved – and now can’t stand.

I have a tendency to leave things behind. I move away from the bad, inhibiting things because I know what ultimate good it will bring… Some people believe I am simply ‘running from my problems’.

I’m not running. I’m not even quickly walking. In fact my transitions from an unhealthy place to a better place have always been slow, full of denial, and painful. But I always end up on the other side where the grass is greener… at least for a while.

So once again, I must pack up my things and move forward to better places. Yes I will miss my home. Yes I will miss the way my garden came to life around me. I’ll even miss being close to my memories. I’ll miss looking at my sofa and remembering all the things that happened there. But I know it’s time to let go and move forward. I need a change of scenery. I need to be somewhere different to feel different. Rearranging the furniture just won’t cut it.

So in two weeks I leave. Off to another place to make more memories and learn more lessons that I will cherish forever.

vbloggie

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A Special Gift from December

I was considering titling this ‘The Crash’ or ‘The Burn’ or ‘The Cut’. I could have gone real wild with it and titled it ‘The Crashing, Burning Cut that came from Hell’ … yeah.

But I am tired of looking at my situation as if it were the worst thing to happen to a human being in the history of the world. So instead, I called it a gift. Because although December 1 came with a severe stab to the heart – it also gave me something else well overdue and well needed.

So when you are trying to move forward from a separation there is a ‘raw stage’ where nothing you say or do should really be taken seriously. In my raw stage I vowed to never ever ever ever never under any circumstance love again… Not only was I irrational – but I was blind. Blinded by the hurt and the loss. I couldn’t possibly see anything past exactly what was happening right there and then.

Then after that, you progress slowly into the transition stage. It’s like you’re in some sort of time void, where even when you think you’re making progress – you’re not. It’s a bloody roller coaster ride I tell you. Constantly up and down, feeling on top of the world as if nothing can touch you – then suddenly crashing down and feeling so low that you’re sure gravity had somehow increased on earth.

The point when you can fully let go. Fully and wholeheartedly take that step towards peace is the greatest part of all. But. It’s the part that is accompanied by the most pain. For me, this was December 1.

I received a call from my mother. Sometimes she can be totally oblivious to everything. “Hey ma,” I answered as I sat on the train that’d take me home and away from wretched work. “Hey, how are you?” My mother replied. After a brief and shallow conversation about how everyone was going and whether or not I received a parcel in the mail, a silence fell upon us. Some how I knew who she was going to bring up. I’d felt it coming for a while now.
“Do you still speak to (insert name of guy I was seeing)?”
More silence.
My mother knew ‘the guy I was seeing’. She’d encouraged our ‘thing’ or whatever it was from the very beginning. Edging me on and getting me all excited about something that was never going to turn out well for me. But my mother can’t be blamed. I had some sort of instant chemistry for this guy and I was all up for being encouraged to see what the future could hold.
After a brief inhale, I replied, “No ma, we don’t talk anymore.”
I hung my head, not in sadness, but in defeat. Memories came flooding in.
“Oh,”…
“Why?” I asked her reluctantly.
“He’s just been hanging out with this other chick that’s all…”
My chest imploded. Heartbeat slowed to steady, loud thumps.
“What?” I breathed.
Everything around me became fuzzy.
“Yeah I wasn’t sure if you were still seeing him. I thought, wow this is odd that this other girl is appearing on his Facebook profile all the time. It looks serious. I was just wondering if they’re dating or if you knew anything about it?”
I leant forward in my seat –  taking the brace position as if I were on an aircraft experiencing major turbulence. His words burned in my mind – his pathetic excuse for dropping me like a dirty rag burnt white.
“I’m just not ready for anything serious right now.”
“You there?” My mother asked as I took a deep breath and straightened my posture.
“As I said, I don’t talk to him anymore – we fell out of contact,” The less she knew the better.
“Oh okay…” My mother sighed as if she were not satisfied with my answer. As if I were keeping some sort of juicy gossip from her. “What happened? Did you end things?”
This was not happening – not here on a train – I was not having this conversation.
“No ma, there was nothing to end. Look I’m on my way home I can’t really talk right now.” I muttered. I was becoming irritated and my mother – luckily – could sense that. So she left the conversation there and I found myself sitting on the train (the slowest train in all existence) staring out the window trying desperately to think of puppies and kittens. Puppies. He had a puppy. Dammit. I held it together long enough for my stop to come. I rushed home, threw my bag on the floor and beelined towards my alcohol cabinet. Yes. This is where I wanted to be right now. Or was it?

An hour passed and I had drunk myself stupid and cried the hardest tears to date. Lying on the bathroom floor, staring up at the ceiling – I laughed at my own theatrics. Couldn’t I have come up with something a little more creative than going home, getting drunk alone, and lying on the cold bathroom floor?

It hit me. All the excuses I made for him – for myself. Telling everyone ‘he’s a good guy – he just got himself into a bad situation’. Acting as if none of this was his fault at all. Acting as if he didn’t take advantage of a young girl who didn’t know any better. In fact most the time I would blame myself for things not working. Maybe I wasn’t mature enough, maybe I wasn’t affectionate enough, maybe I was too affectionate, maybe I was too open about my feelings, maybe if I were just born a couple years earlier it would have worked, maybe if the sun shined out of my ass and the world revolved around me it would have worked. *insert shooting yourself*

I knew I couldn’t be alone that night. What I needed was comfort. So I dragged my pathetic, heartbroken ass over to my uncle and aunty’s house and stood at their door, tears in my eyes and hair all over the shot.
“Do you mind if I stay with you guys tonight?” I asked quietly.
They took me in, gave me a glass of red and the most delicious hot potato chips and let me dwell in my sadness. But at least – I could dwell in my sadness with people who loved me there.

If you asked me on that day, what I thought about everything that’s happen I would have looked at you and cried, “It’s the worst thing ever!”
But now I see it for what it is. That last push I needed to open my eyes. That final twist of the blade that’s been stuck in my chest. It was a gift.

vbloggie

To My Ignorant and Stubborn Heart

Why oh why do you have to be such a pain in the ass? Why do you refuse to let go of something that is completely hopeless?

My mind and my heart conflict – a lot. And I’ve always been the type to let my heart win in matters of love, friendship, and family… And maybe I’ve been letting my heart win too many times now. Maybe it’s become ignorant and stubborn – thinking if it just whines and complains enough the mind will just give up.

I’ve been trying move on from someone for a while now. And I wish I could say I’ve been making progress. But every time, like clockwork, every time my mind tries to rationalise and take a productive step forward – my stubborn heart yanks me right back.

I’ve tried all the believed cures and temporary fixes of heartbreak. In the irrational early stages I tried drinking, sleeping, going out and pretending like my life was full of peaches and strawberries. Then I began to get serious about it because none of these solutions were maintainable or realistic. They were solutions that my heart gave me, all of them numbing my mind. Drinking was doing damage, not only to me, but to my credit card. Sleeping stopped me from thinking but there is only so much sleep one person can have. And going out forcing my mind to pretend I was happy became increasingly exhausting.

I’ve given my heart a chance here. I distinctly remember the point where I decided to give my heart control over my mind. It was a wondrous feeling I must admit – to just let go and love without fear. But you take a risk when letting your heart win. Because you’re heart is like a child – full of energy, constantly reaching for something new and shiny, eager to love, eager to please, and inconsiderate of the consequences. Letting your heart take control is like putting an aircraft in the hands of a 7-year-old. Then once the plane crashes and burns, your heart – just like a child – will lie, crack tantrums, and point the finger at everyone else before they blame themselves.

This is when your mind is forced to step in… It’s been sitting on the sidelines with a horrified look on its face since the moment you gave your heart control. Yes the mind is boring – and yes the mind isn’t really much fun. But the mind is wise.  It knows how to fix things and it knows that the road to success is a long one, with many twists, turns, and bumps along the way.

So recently I have decided to give total control back to my mind… Only for the time being. I’ve put my heart in the ‘naughty corner’ and slowly slowly, as my mind begins to put all the broken pieces back together I will re-introduce my heart back into my world. But I will never make the mistake of giving my heart total control again.

My mind says ‘love yourself more!‘ when my heart says ‘love them more!’. My mind says, ‘contacting him will only make things worse – have more self respect, he ended it,’ when my heart says ‘it can’t get worse than this! Maybe he changed his mind! Call him!’. My mind says ‘at least for now – you must let him go,’ when my heart says ‘You should never give up!’. And most importantly, my mind says ‘move forward – you can and will love again,’ when my heart says, ‘go back – he is the only one for you,’.

So… My ignorant and stubborn heart. I say farewell for now. It was nice loving with you while it lasted. I do not regret loving. But there comes a time when the balance must be restored and the damage must be fixed. Therefore I call upon my boring, rational, and wise mind to help me restore my ignorant, stubborn – and now – broken heart.

vbloggie 

The End of November

November has been an interesting month for me. It’s been a beautiful month of spring when everything around me came alive.

Cavendish Avenue November

Although everything around me was bursting with new life and new starts – I was still stuck in winter, mentally. The blossoming flowers and the chirping birds have given me encouragement throughout November. They’ve inspired me to at least TRY to be happier. But even the most beautiful of blossoms and the most musical bird chirps can’t shake this darkness inside me that winter left behind. November taught me hard lessons – but necessary ones.

I am sure that December will bring upon more ‘hard lessons’ but I hope that maybe a little more happiness will also be in the cards. December – the month of family, friends, warmth, and giving. It should give me the final boost I need to propell me out of the darkness. My New Years resolution will be to let go of the darkness of 2014, to worry less, and to do at least one thing everyday that simply makes me happier.

vbloggie

Spring Cleaning

To you northern hemisphere folk, it probably isn’t spring. It’s most likely well on its way to winter. But here in Australia – it’s nearing the end of spring.

One of the things in everyday life I love the most is cleaning. When I can dedicate a whole day to simply cleaning and restoring my home. I start my cleaning ritual off with some funky music – old and new. Get my worn and comfy cleaning clothes on and do a couple stretches…

I believe cleaning your living space can be like cleaning out your soul. It’s invigorating and refreshing. So I begin with assessing the mess. I stop and figure out where most the damage has been done and what part of the house needs the most tender love and care. Then once the assessment is complete I fill my sink with warm water, half a cup of vinegar, and a dash of bleach. I go around the house – wiping clean every surface and every object. Collecting every fragment of dust and cobwebs as if it were all bad karma – and washing it down the drain.

Then, once the surfaces are clean it’s laundry time. Clothes, towels, bed sheets, pillow cases, tea towels – the whole shabang. All of it. Excavated and washed clean with lightly scented washing powder… the satisfaction of clean linen and clothes is undeniable.

Now it’s time to dedicate myself to the trouble zones. The kitchen and the bathroom. Cleaning these two place is always the most painful and the most tedious. You can’t half assed this part. Scrubbing sinks, toilets, showers and baths. removing grease and grime from the most inconvenient locations. Finding hidden spoilt food treasures or random giant clumps of hair that make you wonder if you’re balding pre-maturely. These areas take the most patience and the most energy – but in the end it all pays off.

Lastly, I like to end with a good vacuum and mop. After all that dusting and all that wiping, your floors are the last place to collect the troubles of the past month. So I employ my sturdy vacuum and mop to do the final sweep. Leaving you with a clean, fresh house once again.

To me, cleaning isn’t just for the house – it’s for your soul. It’s to clean out the past problems and start fresh and anew. Cleaning – I’m sure – is a part of the healing process. Before starting something new and moving onto better things, you must asses the mess, apply the bleach, and employ a deep, thorough clean.
Then after all that hard work and effort – you are given a fresh start and a clean slate. Cleaning is for the soul.

vbloggie

Let Go of Grudges – They make you weak

It is a powerful thing to be forgiven. When you know you’ve done wrong, but despite that, the person whom you’ve done wrong by grants you forgiveness. It can wash over you like a wave of relief.

But what is more powerful, is the ability to forgive. Forgiving someone isn’t easy, especially when you’ve been hurt by someone who may have meant a lot to you. But when we forgive, it isn’t usually about putting the other person at ease – it’s putting yourself at ease. Giving yourself the chance to let go of whats happened and move forward with life.

Without forgiveness we hold grudges. A Grudge is that dark, gloomy ball of anger that builds inside your chest. They can be consuming and stop you from reaching your full potential in life.

If you have the ability to let go, try forgiving someone today. Let that grudge and all that negative energy out of your system with a simple, ‘you are forgiven’. Then never let it bother your mind again.

vbloggie

Blessed with a Blue Sky Day

blue sky wallpaper (1)Today is a Blue Sky Day. When you look up to the sky and you’re bombarded with a beautiful and seemingly endless blue canvas. Speckled with the occasional white fluffily cloud and passing bird. Blue Sky Days make me feel adventurous and curious. The only thing worse than not having a Blue Sky Day is having a Blue Sky Day and being trapped inside…

These days make me think of falling in love, having a picnic near the water, or simply lying on a hammock – debating the wonders of life. We can take Blue Sky Days for granted so easily. We think – yeah so? the sun is shining like it’s meant to.

But every day we are given a Blue Sky Day where the sun tingles warmth and the breeze gently cools, we should be grateful. Go outside and for 5 minutes just enjoy dabbling in the limitless possibilities of a Blue Sky Day.

Sunshine is vital to our overall happiness. Give a Blue Sky Day the chance to enrich your life.

vbloggie